32 Week Appointment and other thoughts

Well I'm just coming back from my 32 week appointment. This one was with a different midwife than I normally see...I like my regular one better. My midwife was on call for the hospital today since she's the newest member of the team and gets stuck with the New Years Eve shift! This midwife was nice, and very gentle, but just not as personable. It's interesting to see too that when this midwife measured me she said I was measuring 32 weeks exactly, where the other midwife almost always has me 2 weeks ahead when she does measurements. Interesting...we'll see at 34 weeks when I go back to my regular midwife where I'm at.

Baby is good, heart rate at 136 and accelerated nicely when she moves...which she was doing a lot. I mentioned that baby gets the hiccups at least 1 to 3 times a day and she said that was good, means she'll be a good nurser! Hopefully! I have another ultrasound for next week, I still have to call and make that appointment. Cervix still long and closed but starting to soften, which is good at this point!

In other news, first, go to http://www.expectnet.com/ and play our baby game! The game name is babygirlking.

Also, I'm registered for doula classes! I'm super excited and I'll be taking the doula workshop January 29th and 30th. I'm hoping to be certified by late May, early June at the latest. This will allow me to stay at home but also bring in an income! Best of both worlds.

Tonight my cousin Sarah (who is pregnant with twin boys) and her two kids are coming to spend the evening (her hubby has to work :-( ) and tomorrow we're heading up to my parents for the annual New Years Day party. They are also combing that with my first baby shower...we'll see how that goes. I know invites for the shower part didn't get out until middle of last week so I'm afraid a lot of people that would have made an effort to come to the shower that don't normally come to the New Years Day celebration won't be able to make it. I'll update on how that goes either Thursday night or Friday! And Saturday my parents are coming to help paint the nursery! It's an exciting and busy week!

Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season and Happy New Years!!!!

Mixed Feelings

Before I get into the bulk of this blog: Appointment update-- all looks well. Still measuring 2 weeks ahead (32 instead of 30), heart rate still perfect, still head down, total weight gain at 6 pounds (I was praised for that today!) and I don't have to take the GD test again. (Thank God!!!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today is a day of mixed feelings. On one hand I'm so completely overjoyed about the fact that I had my 30 (omg!) week appointment this morning. On the other hand today is the 1 year anniversary of our miscarriage.

I'm still very saddened by this loss and wonder daily about what that baby would have looked like, sounded like, what his/her personality would have been and what they would be like growing up. I cry sometimes thinking about the day when I'll be reunited with my little one in heaven and finally get to hold them in my arms, along with the little one I lost due to an ectopic pregnancy last January.

It seems strange, and even Brandon can't grasp it, that after only being pregnant for 5 weeks that it can be that devastating. It's hard to explain to people who haven't experienced a loss, and even the husband's seem to have a hard time grasping how devastating it really is. I've been very blessed to have a close group of women on a Pregnancy after Miscarriage and another one for Pregnancy after Infertility forum...sadly a lot of the members participate on both boards. Without those ladies I don't know how I would have made it through the first few weeks of this pregnancy without breaking down every day...I did a few times those first few weeks!

At the same time like I said I'm so excited to meet our daughter in two months that it's hard to be sad and if that little angel had decided to stick around I wouldn't be getting to know the little one growing inside me now. When I look at my stomach and see and feel her moving around I get tears in my eyes quite often knowing how much this little girl is going to be loved and how wanted she is. I can't wait to hold her in my arms and kiss her little nose and stroke her cheeks. I can't wait to see her daddy holding her for the first time and telling her how much he loves her. I have so many dreams and visions for her and there will be so many experiences with her that I wouldn't have if it were not for our miscarriage 1 year ago.

I have tears in my eyes as I write this, both tears of sadness and tears of happiness. In just about 2 months I'll be holding my little girl in my arms and I'll be saying a prayer for my other two I lost, asking them to watch over their younger sister as she treads her way through this world.

I re-read the poems I posted back in March today and the first one had me crying my eyes out.
http://life-as-a-king.blogspot.com/2008/03/infertility-miscarriages-and-ectopic.html

28 Week appointment update

Well I had my 28 week appointment on Wednesday December 3rd (yeah, I'm a few days late typing this up!). Things are looking good, her heartbeat is nice and solid in the mid-130 to low 140s, results from my ultrasound show that my cervix is holding up as well so no worries there. I'm also actually measuring 2 weeks ahead still. So even though I'm only 28 weeks my uterus is measuring 30 weeks! And as far as weight gain I'm only up 4 lbs so far! At this point all my appointments are now scheduled starting at 30 weeks until the week of my due date! I go every other week starting at 30 until 36 weeks and then once a week until 40 weeks. This pregnancy is just FLYING by!

I also had a screen for gestational diabetes on Wednesday, also referred to as the 1 hour GD test. Basically I drink a orange drink that tastes kind of like orange pop except that it has 50mg of glucose in it. An hour later they test my blood and it's supposed to be 140 or lower for blood sugar, otherwise they make you take the dreaded 3 hour test. It's not that bad of a test except it did make me lightheaded at the end because of the high concentration of sugar. Well I came in at 162 so I was forced to do the 3 hour GD test on Thursday morning.

Luckily my mom came with as to be my driver and to help keep me entertained for those 3 hours. Brandon had to sleep since we had our HypnoBirthing class that night. With this test they take your blood 4 times at specific times after drinking a 100mg glucose drink. First can I just say how much it SUCKED to get your blood drawn 4 times in 3 hours! My poor arms, bruises on the inside of both of them now.

Second, here are my results, I technically passed.

This is what they want to see:
Fasting: 85 or less
1 hour: 180 or less
2 hour: 155 or less
3 hour: 140 or less

My results:
Fasting: 72
1 hour: 173
2 hour: 188 (only one I failed...but by a lot!)
3 hour: 113

Since I failed one of the 4 it's possible they might have me retake the test in a few weeks, I'm not sure. The lab tech wasn't sure what they normally do in that case. You don't actually fail the test unless you fail 2 of the 4. I was so nervous waiting for that last blood draw. I was so happy to hear that last number come in! This means (for now) that I can still eat Christmas cookies this holiday season as I don't have gestational diabetes! I'm just praying they don't make me take the test again!

In other news, Brandon and I were slightly concerned about our daughter the other day. Last Saturday we went to the Mall of America for a good 5 hours. When we came back I was exhausted so I laid down and didn't feel her moving at all for a good 45 minutes. I drank some Mountain Dew, laid on my left side and Brandon talked to her in attempts to get her to wake up and move. Nothing for an hour except 3 tiny little taps. You're supposed to do "kick counts" at this stage where you should feel 10 kicks in an hour.

We called labor and delivery and the midwife on call wasn't too concerned since I had been so active for a good period of time early. Plus the middle of the afternoon she's normally fairly quiet, but a little more active than she was that day. She said if I still wasn't feeling much in the evening, which is her normal active time, then I should call back and they would have me come back in for a check. She woke up later and made up for her inactivity on Saturday by being SUPER active all day Sunday.

Because of our concern, and just because we obsess over our daughter already, we decided to rent a doppler for the next 3 months (or less!) in order to have some peace of mind. A doppler is the machine they use at an OB or a Midwife's office to listen to the heartbeat. It's a pretty cool little device and we're having a lot of fun listening to her at least once a day. I think it keeps both of us sane and not paranoid.

I still can't believe I'm in the 3rd trimester and we're getting so much closer to birth. I've honestly loved being pregnant so far and I think I'm going to miss it a bit! Of course holding our little girl in my arms will be soooo much better! Our last HypnoBirthing class is this coming Thursday and we have a newborn basics class at the very beginning of February. Before we know it our daughter will be here!

Ultrasound #6

She's definitely still a girl! No scrotum or penis in site! Heart rate was 136 BPM, so she's nixing that's old wives tale of girls always being higher than 140! She was VERY active the whole ultrasound and was sucking on her thumb for most of it. We got to watch her opening and closing her eyes and mouth and even saw her tounge come out at one point. She's also in the perfect birthing position already, head down with her back toward my stomach.

The tech was amazing. The tech didn't do any measurements on her since we were officially there to measure my cervix. She did measure fluid levels and all looks good there. She had measured my cervix within the first 5 minutes and then she spent a good 20 minutes just playing with the ultrasound and looking at our baby girl. My mom came with and was amazed at the details too, it was quite the experience for her!

And today also officially marks the beginning of the 3rd trimester! In the home stretch now!!!

25 Week Appointment Update

Just had my midwife appointment on Wednesday. I was 24w5d and measuring 27 weeks! Baby was super active the night before the appointment and I thought for sure she was still head up because I only feel movement below my belly button. Nope, head down, she must just have super strong punches! She's also likely kicking towards my back with her feet which might be why I'm rarely feeling anything above the belly button. The midwife was impressed that we were seeing movement as well this early and said we must have a strong little girl in there. She was even more surprised when we searched for heartbeat and she felt around and we determined that it wasn't even the kicks I've been feeling but punches! Heart rate was sitting in the solid 140s and everything seems very healthy! I also finally hit my pre-pregnancy weight and I'm almost into the 3rd trimester. I should "expect" to gain about a pound a week from this point out.

We have another ultrasound scheduled for 2 weeks from today to check cervical length again (and recheck the gender!) and my Mom will be coming with for that one, possibly my Dad as well. Mom is soooo going to cry! She only had one ultrasound with my brother about 26 years ago so this will be quite the experience for her!

My next appointment is on December 3rd (to get me back on track to line up with the 28 week) and I get to do the fun gestational diabetes testing then. That involves drinking a pretty icky orange flavored drink and waiting for an hour before getting your blood drawn. It measures my insulin levels. Hopefully I pass, because if I fail then I have to do the 3 hour test which means drinking that same drink and then getting my blood drawn every hour for 3 hours! After that appointment though we're down to every two weeks already!

Brandon also has been seeing movement but this afternoon he got to see her when she was super active and he was amazed at the big kicks I've been getting. I think it's getting much more real for him. He also told me that for the next 3 months I should take advantage of having him do stuff for me since it's only going to happen twice in my life! LOL...I'm soooo taking him up on that and not forgetting that he said that!

HypnoBirthing

Well I've had a few people ask me now, "What is HypnoBirthing?" so I figured I would put it all out here instead of writing it over and over again!

But before I do that, a quick update. I'm 24 weeks pregnant, which means that if our little girl decides to make her appearance super early she already has a 50% chance of survival! How amazing is that?!? Of course we're hoping that she decides to stick it out until at least week 37! I'm feeling great, lots of energy right now...2nd trimester for ya! I just finally hit my pre-pregnancy weight again this morning as well, so I'm doing great on the healthy aspect of things as well. We do have a name picked out, but we're keeping that part a surprise for now. She has been kicking like crazy. I've been able to see the kicks a few times from the outside. Brandon laid his head on my stomach the other day and got kicked pretty hard in the forehead as well. I'm loving feeling her move around inside me and I'm so thankful and excited and looking forward to meeting her in just about 3.5 months.

As for HypnoBirthing (copied this from an email I sent to someone):

Basically Hypnobirthing is almost like self-hypnosis for birth. It teaches you deep relaxation and breathing techniques for labor/delivery to avoid as many medical interventions/drugs as possible. The deeper breathing leads to more oxygen and endorphins in your body for a more pleasant experience. It doesn't promise a pain free-delivery or even an intervention-free delivery, but basically a less painful delivery and the more relaxed you are the less of a chance for interventions.

A couple of the benefits of hypnobirthing are:
~it eliminates the fear-tension-pain syndrome before, during and after birthing. Which is basically the pre-condition that we're taught that birth is supposed to be the most painful thing we'll ever experience, which isn't really true. Women have been doing it for centuries but it's only been the past 100 years or so pain has been associated with each birth instead of the occasional cases.
~It can shorten the first stage of labor by several hours because your muscles are more relaxed. The more afraid you are the more tense your muscles and the harder it is for your cervix to dilate.
~eliminates fatigue during labor so you have more energy for the actual birthing because you're more relaxed during the early stages.

I'm a strong believer in natural birth because getting pitocin to speed up labor causes your contractions to be more intense. More intense means more likely to get an epidural, which in turn can then slow down labor, which leads to more pitocin, higher epi dose, more pitocin again and eventually your contractions are so hard that it puts a lot of stress on the baby. That can lead to emergency c-sections if the doctor doesn't feel like your progressing fast enough or if the babies is in distress; which is about a 40% chance. Natural labor with no medical interventions, even if it's longer, has about a 5% chance of a c-section. Plus I plan to exclusively breast feed and babies with epidurals are a little more sluggish after birth and have a harder time latching and breast feeding.

It took Brandon and myself 3 years and 2 months to get pregnant with one miscarriage and one ectopic pregnancy. I've spent the majority of those 3 years researching not only infertility treatments but pregnancy so I feel very aware and informed about what's going on. I've looked at all the options and feel that, for me, that a natural labor/delivery is the only choice. It's not a choice for everyone, but after researching so much it's what I strongly believe in for myself and for the best birth and labor not only for me but for our daughter. We're also hoping to do a water birth to help make our babies entrance into this world as least traumatic as possible...to both of us!

Here are a few videos of hypnobirthing:4 minute news-story http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7kA3PMJwA8
Dateline did something on it too (great documentary!) 20 min total, part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=llT30oHxz6gpart 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f05YQbnsUGA

In memory on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

To my two dear angels,

It was a miracle that I was blessed to know you both, even though it was too short. I'll never forget you and you'll both have a special place in my heart that won't be filled by anyone else. I can't wait to meet you both in heaven and finally get the chance to hold you both in my arms.

Love, Your mother.

It's a girl!!!

We had our BIG ultrasound this morning and we're expecting a little girl!!! We're both shocked, we thought for sure we were having a boy! Of course we're both over the top excited and we went right to Babies R US after the ultrasound and got two adorable outfits since they were on sale! We received several pictures from the ultrasound, she is adorable already...not to mention a drama queen! She had the back of her wrist on her forehead for quite a long part of the ultrasound in that dramatic pose; she's already saying, "OH DAD!" At one point she was trying to suck her thumb and we even got to watch her opening and closing her mouth as she was practicing swallowing the amniotic fluid. We have a list of about 4 names that we both equally like in our top 5, but again, we're not sharing the name! We want to keep that a surprise for everyone.

We heard the heartbeat!

Baby is doing great! My uterus is actually measuring big; by about 2 weeks! Not by fundal height but by it's placement/height. She said if we hadn't already had 4 other ultrasounds she would be sending us for one to double check to make sure it wasn't multiples. I'll be 16 weeks on Friday but I'm already measuring about 18 weeks.

She was also able to find the heartbeat briefly. Apparently we have a VERY active baby, and I hadn't ate or drank anything other than water in the past two hours so it wasn't me giving the baby extra sugar. She even laughingly said, "Good luck when this one comes out! You two are going to be busy!" Baby was moving around so much we were only able to catch the heartbeat for about 2 seconds at a time. We were able to hear a few kicks against the doppler as well. And baby is definitely hanging out on my right side, which is what I was guessing. She said the good news is since the baby is so active it's a good indication that the baby is very healthy.

Our big ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday, October 9th. Also since I have had a LEEP in the past the OB that reviewed my files suggested that they monitor my cervix closely which means a few extra ultrasounds in there after the BIG one to check the length of it. I'm MORE than okay with that!

As far as how I was already guessing that the baby was hanging out on the right side, my right side is slightly higher than my left most of the time. And if I push my stomach out as far as possible the lump on the right will suddenly move to the center, so that's the baby saying, "Hey! You're squishing me here!" and moving towards the middle.

Latest Ultrasound

This was the coolest ultrasound we've had to date. When she (tech) first started the baby was sleeping and very still, but we could see the heartbeat pumping away at 162 beats per minute. She had me go use the bathroom and when I came back the baby was awake and kicking and moving their arms. She did ask us if we were planning on finding out the gender and after we said yes, she said, "Okay, because I keep seeing a little poker...but at this stage both girls and boys look very similar so it could mean anything."

Another Ultrasound!

We had another ultrasound today! The baby is measuring right on track with my ovulation date. Last time at 5w5d (5 weeks 5 days) the baby measured 6 weeks. This time we're 7w4d and the baby measured 7w3d so it's perfect. The heart-rate was also at 167 beats per minute. Looking good!

We have another ultrasound scheduled for screening purposes on August 5th.

Big announcement!

I'm pregnant again! This time it looks like it's going to stick!

We just came from our second ultrasound, first one they gave us pictures from. We are measuring 6 weeks and got to see the heartbeat at 109 BPM. I'm in awe and shock and feeling awesome about this pregnancy. Plus I've got some morning sickness going on, so that's always a good sign!

Brandon already thinks it looks like a girl. ;-) I think it's a boy! Ha...way to early to know! I'm due February 27, 2009, which is Brandon's birthday! And we found out on father's day that we were pregnant! How cool is that. Great father's day gift and a great birthday gift as well!

We will be finding out the gender as soon as we can, I'll be updating on that. We are going to keep names a secret through, so don't ask!

Infertility, miscarriages, and ectopic pregnancies.

So it’s been two months since we got married, the day couldn’t have gone better, and I love being a wife! My husband is wonderful! But that’s not why I’m writing this blog.

Some of you know, some of you don’t, that Brandon and I have been trying to get pregnant since March 2005. March 11 was our third anniversary of trying to conceive and to be quite honest it’s been getting harder and harder to see pregnant women and babies for not only me, but Brandon as well. It’s gotten substantially harder since December.

What happened in December? Well we found out we were pregnant! A week later we found out we were miscarrying. After almost 3 years God finally blessed us with our little one and then took it away a week later...at least that’s how I feel. We were told to NOT get pregnant for at least one month.

Amazingly enough, opps, pregnant again in January...what in the heck was going on? It takes us so long to get pregnant and suddenly, two pregnancies? Unfortunately my BETA HCG s didn’t go up like they were supposed to and a week before our wedding date we were told it was ectopic via confirmation of an ultrasound that found a small sac in my right tube. The Monday before we got married I had to get a shot called Methotrexate to terminate the pregnancy before any permanent damage was done to my tube. For those unaware, the Methotrexate shot is also used to treat cancer patients as it destroys any developing cells and deteriorates any that are still there. Since it’s such a powerful drug, we of course can’t get pregnant now for a while so we’re stuck on hold. If we were to get pregnant now we would risk the chance of a child with severe physical or mental malformations. So we have to wait till June.

In the meantime, my heart is breaking for my little ones we lost. I mentioned them in my vows to Brandon, stating how he’s been my rock as we lost our little miracles, and that he’ll be an amazing father once God finally blesses us with a miracle. I’m currently being tested to see if by chance I have celiac disease which might have caused our infertility and miscarriage. If that’s the case it will be large overhaul on our lives, having to cut out all wheat/gluten products just in the hopes that it solves the issue.

Not 100% sure why I decided that I needed to tell you all this, I guess it’s just part of my healing process. It’s hard for those who haven’t been through a miscarriage to understand, I realize that. There is no, "it’s for the best" "god wants it this way" "things will work out for the best" or "it was just a bunch of cells, time to move on." NO! This was our baby that I lost. I am a mother, just that my children that I only knew in my body for 5.5 weeks and 4.5 weeks are in heaven already. Mother’s day is seriously going to be rough this year, knowing that I won’t be acknowledged as a mother, but just as a daughter. There are some days where things are still so tough that I feel like I want to just curl up in a hole for a few days and cry. I’m still grieving the ones I lost, I would be 18 weeks today, we would probably be finding out if we were expecting a little boy or girl in the next few weeks if I hadn’t lost that first baby.

I’m terrified to get pregnant again; the fear of having another miscarriage or ectopic paralyzes me. I have a hard time ’pretending’ to be happy to hear yet another pregnancy or birth announcement, it feels like a stab in my heart that it’s not happening for us. I can see the longing in Brandon’s eyes when he plays with a child and it kills me inside that so far I’ve been unable to give him a child of his own. I feel like I’m being punished for some unfair reason. I’ve been told by so many people that I’m going to be an amazing mother, and I know Brandon will be an amazing father, but God isn’t blessing us with a child. Our struggles are all on me as I’m the one with infertility issues so it seems an unfortunate burden to bear. I’ll admit that this has shaken my faith quite a bit and I’m having a hard time why God would be doing this to us. Is it because we were trying before we were married? If so, then why does he allow other unmarried individuals to get pregnant? Why allow 14 year olds or crack whores to get pregnant and carry to term? Why not us? We’re good people! We would give that child more love than it can handle! Ugh...I’m frustrated, angry, sad, depressed, anxious, and confused over why it’s all happened. But I suppose it’s good to vent it all out. If you’ve been thinking I’ve been a different person lately this is likely why.

I’m ending this long blog with one poem that has helped me somewhat in my journey and another that reminds me that I am a mother, even though my little ones are already in heaven. And Brandon, I love you and hope that one day God will finally bless us as parents with a child to hold in our arms.

Just Those Few Weeks by Susan Erling

For those few weeks
I had you to myself.
And that seems to short a time
to be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks
I came to know you...and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks
when I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks
It wasn’t enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died and
no one is mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks
and no "normal" person
would cry all night over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdrawn day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?

You were just those few weeks, my little one.
You darted in and out of my life too quickly
but it seems that’s all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.

What Makes a Mother - author unknown

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby’s not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there’s no need to stay."

"I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child’s smile,
With all the other children and say...
"We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow’s where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here."

So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they’ll stay.

They’ll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson’s through.
And on the day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It’s the feeling in your heart
It’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.