So it’s been two months since we got married, the day couldn’t have gone better, and I love being a wife! My husband is wonderful! But that’s not why I’m writing this blog.
Some of you know, some of you don’t, that Brandon and I have been trying to get pregnant since March 2005. March 11 was our third anniversary of trying to conceive and to be quite honest it’s been getting harder and harder to see pregnant women and babies for not only me, but Brandon as well. It’s gotten substantially harder since December.
What happened in December? Well we found out we were pregnant! A week later we found out we were miscarrying. After almost 3 years God finally blessed us with our little one and then took it away a week later...at least that’s how I feel. We were told to NOT get pregnant for at least one month.
Amazingly enough, opps, pregnant again in January...what in the heck was going on? It takes us so long to get pregnant and suddenly, two pregnancies? Unfortunately my BETA HCG s didn’t go up like they were supposed to and a week before our wedding date we were told it was ectopic via confirmation of an ultrasound that found a small sac in my right tube. The Monday before we got married I had to get a shot called Methotrexate to terminate the pregnancy before any permanent damage was done to my tube. For those unaware, the Methotrexate shot is also used to treat cancer patients as it destroys any developing cells and deteriorates any that are still there. Since it’s such a powerful drug, we of course can’t get pregnant now for a while so we’re stuck on hold. If we were to get pregnant now we would risk the chance of a child with severe physical or mental malformations. So we have to wait till June.
In the meantime, my heart is breaking for my little ones we lost. I mentioned them in my vows to Brandon, stating how he’s been my rock as we lost our little miracles, and that he’ll be an amazing father once God finally blesses us with a miracle. I’m currently being tested to see if by chance I have celiac disease which might have caused our infertility and miscarriage. If that’s the case it will be large overhaul on our lives, having to cut out all wheat/gluten products just in the hopes that it solves the issue.
Not 100% sure why I decided that I needed to tell you all this, I guess it’s just part of my healing process. It’s hard for those who haven’t been through a miscarriage to understand, I realize that. There is no, "it’s for the best" "god wants it this way" "things will work out for the best" or "it was just a bunch of cells, time to move on." NO! This was our baby that I lost. I am a mother, just that my children that I only knew in my body for 5.5 weeks and 4.5 weeks are in heaven already. Mother’s day is seriously going to be rough this year, knowing that I won’t be acknowledged as a mother, but just as a daughter. There are some days where things are still so tough that I feel like I want to just curl up in a hole for a few days and cry. I’m still grieving the ones I lost, I would be 18 weeks today, we would probably be finding out if we were expecting a little boy or girl in the next few weeks if I hadn’t lost that first baby.
I’m terrified to get pregnant again; the fear of having another miscarriage or ectopic paralyzes me. I have a hard time ’pretending’ to be happy to hear yet another pregnancy or birth announcement, it feels like a stab in my heart that it’s not happening for us. I can see the longing in Brandon’s eyes when he plays with a child and it kills me inside that so far I’ve been unable to give him a child of his own. I feel like I’m being punished for some unfair reason. I’ve been told by so many people that I’m going to be an amazing mother, and I know Brandon will be an amazing father, but God isn’t blessing us with a child. Our struggles are all on me as I’m the one with infertility issues so it seems an unfortunate burden to bear. I’ll admit that this has shaken my faith quite a bit and I’m having a hard time why God would be doing this to us. Is it because we were trying before we were married? If so, then why does he allow other unmarried individuals to get pregnant? Why allow 14 year olds or crack whores to get pregnant and carry to term? Why not us? We’re good people! We would give that child more love than it can handle! Ugh...I’m frustrated, angry, sad, depressed, anxious, and confused over why it’s all happened. But I suppose it’s good to vent it all out. If you’ve been thinking I’ve been a different person lately this is likely why.
I’m ending this long blog with one poem that has helped me somewhat in my journey and another that reminds me that I am a mother, even though my little ones are already in heaven. And Brandon, I love you and hope that one day God will finally bless us as parents with a child to hold in our arms.
Just Those Few Weeks by Susan Erling
For those few weeks
I had you to myself.
And that seems to short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks
I came to know you...and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks
when I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks
It wasn’t enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died and
no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks
and no "normal" person
would cry all night over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdrawn day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were just those few weeks, my little one.
You darted in and out of my life too quickly
but it seems that’s all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.
What Makes a Mother - author unknown
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.
"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby’s not with you?"
"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there’s no need to stay."
"I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.
"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child’s smile,
With all the other children and say...
"We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow’s where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here."
So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson’s through.
And on the day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It’s the feeling in your heart
It’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.
