Mixed Feelings

Before I get into the bulk of this blog: Appointment update-- all looks well. Still measuring 2 weeks ahead (32 instead of 30), heart rate still perfect, still head down, total weight gain at 6 pounds (I was praised for that today!) and I don't have to take the GD test again. (Thank God!!!)

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Today is a day of mixed feelings. On one hand I'm so completely overjoyed about the fact that I had my 30 (omg!) week appointment this morning. On the other hand today is the 1 year anniversary of our miscarriage.

I'm still very saddened by this loss and wonder daily about what that baby would have looked like, sounded like, what his/her personality would have been and what they would be like growing up. I cry sometimes thinking about the day when I'll be reunited with my little one in heaven and finally get to hold them in my arms, along with the little one I lost due to an ectopic pregnancy last January.

It seems strange, and even Brandon can't grasp it, that after only being pregnant for 5 weeks that it can be that devastating. It's hard to explain to people who haven't experienced a loss, and even the husband's seem to have a hard time grasping how devastating it really is. I've been very blessed to have a close group of women on a Pregnancy after Miscarriage and another one for Pregnancy after Infertility forum...sadly a lot of the members participate on both boards. Without those ladies I don't know how I would have made it through the first few weeks of this pregnancy without breaking down every day...I did a few times those first few weeks!

At the same time like I said I'm so excited to meet our daughter in two months that it's hard to be sad and if that little angel had decided to stick around I wouldn't be getting to know the little one growing inside me now. When I look at my stomach and see and feel her moving around I get tears in my eyes quite often knowing how much this little girl is going to be loved and how wanted she is. I can't wait to hold her in my arms and kiss her little nose and stroke her cheeks. I can't wait to see her daddy holding her for the first time and telling her how much he loves her. I have so many dreams and visions for her and there will be so many experiences with her that I wouldn't have if it were not for our miscarriage 1 year ago.

I have tears in my eyes as I write this, both tears of sadness and tears of happiness. In just about 2 months I'll be holding my little girl in my arms and I'll be saying a prayer for my other two I lost, asking them to watch over their younger sister as she treads her way through this world.

I re-read the poems I posted back in March today and the first one had me crying my eyes out.
http://life-as-a-king.blogspot.com/2008/03/infertility-miscarriages-and-ectopic.html